Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Another day, another dead Italian... damn malaria.

Hmm, another query was sent to me today by a young whippersnapper interested in the politics.

He writes:

What is your dream president administration?



Hmm, well, Mr. noodle, this is certainly a good question- however, not necessarily one you would need to answer, given your obvious ethnic handicap (do you have your papers in order? The INS will be coming soon) and subsequent inability to have the vote. But, at least you make one hell of a pizza. Anyway, if you ask an old southern gentleman such as myself, the answer is obvious when you examine the most desirable qualities of an office holder.



Dashing Good Looks.

And a keen eye for truth.

Let that image soak in for a bit. Yes, surely no other man could be considered an "ideal" candidate than William "The Wizard" Jennings Bryan. The man has no shortage of ability or political pragmatism, and gets the majority of his lessons from the best guidebook of all- The Bible!

Now, then, in a vice president, you need a loyal, clear-thinking man. Wanna guess? I'll give you two hints:

He's one of the most famous sharpshooters in history.
And for you ladies, he's quite the looker.

If you said Aaron Burr, you've earned a shiny nickel!

Look at that handsome son of a bitch! And such an air of confidence! That sneer just screams "I'm better than you! Mostly because I have money!" That kind of man would never do something insane like, disagreeing with the primary authority, or trying to start his own country. And plus, he took care of that damn federalist Hamilton- if it was up to his leftist policies, we'd be slaves to bureaucracy.

Plus, it would save him from his awful B-movie career- and doesn't everyone deserve a second chance?

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Hark! Another Query!

My word, good Cornelius; it appears our work shall never be done! Our mailpouch is teeming with the queries of the common man, just as any worthwhile steel mill is teeming with the mangled, wretched bodies of the Irish. But while the skilled industrialist is ever saddled with the weakness of the shiftless Papists, we have the ability to address these entries one by one, in the ultimate goal of imparting our superior knowledge to the poor questioners who have made the pitiable choice to be impoverished and stupid. To this end, I shall field another question, this one coming from Pebble: "What works best for dark circles under the eyes?"

My renoun as an expert in the fields of health and the handsomely sciences clearly precedes me, and I am positively delighted at the prospect of being able to use this expertise to debunk commonly-held myths about the human body. There are many who believe that the appearance of dark rings beneath one's eyes is a physiological effect of exhaustion, most notably physical exhaustion, such as that caused by several long days in a strenuous working environment. These individuals are the same who believe that physical exhaustion is responsible for illness, anxiety, hypertension, and extensive strain on the heart. However, as any well-educated industrialist knows, the only effects of a hard day's work are a sufficient paycheck, a good night's sleep, and the satisfaction of contributing to the efficiency of the American economic super-engine.

The notion of work-related illness is but another myth promoted by the so-called "worker's rights" movement, a group of anarchists, socialists, Euro-fascists and secessionist sympathizers hell-bent on destroying the prosperity necessary to our humble hegemon's success. These individuals have similarly promoted the inane ideas that children should be denied the educational opportunities that can only be afforded one on the assembly line, that the work week should be limited to a paltry sixty hours, and that workers wish to unionize in order to be able to effectively strike. As if workers wish to cease working - they should hardly then be termed "workers" at all! But such is the Communist nonsense being fed to the worker today by anti-American liberals such as the "Great Traitor of Ohio," William McKinley.

Instead, what causes the appearance of these dark circles is the psychological distress caused by one's preoccupation with an undue rise through the economic caste system that makes this nation great. When one is obsessed with becoming the wealthy man he was simply never fated to be, his mind becomes wrought with fatigue, and this begins to show in his face. The first signal of this is the aforementioned discoloration beneath one's eyes. Other symptoms include a furrowed brow, crow's feet, an ingrown moustache and the typhus. So, to answer your question, how best do we prevent against the appearance of these rings? The answer is both simple and clear. Each individual has his own place within American society; some are to be rich, the rest to be poor. Once one accepts one's fate both wholly and unconditionally, his mind shall be at ease, and his face free of those unseemly rings.

I appreciate your curiosity, Pebble, and I wish that this information is communicated to your father, your husband, or whichever gentleman caller is presently paying for your and your brood's sustenance.
Good show there Reginald! My ideal woman is a good listener... one with a single black eye. Now then, on to the most serious crisis of our time: The environment!


If you are to compare the situation of mother earth today to an object, what would it be and why?


Well there Kelley, it appears that you are asking me for my thoughts on "Mother Earth." As is the case with all women, I would say it's best place would be in the kitchen. However, as a mother, its duties in life are as follows:

1. Be obedient to the father, husband, and any male children in the family.
2. Pass on the teachings and duties of the mother to the women children.
3. Be pleased as all your hopes and dreams are fulfilled: You get to provide food and cleanliness so that the men may concentrate on running the world!

All important though, is the general rule of silence. Women should be seen and not heard... just like mother earth. So, as Mother Earth's favorite children, we should be prepared to help our mother into her grave. So, I suggest we knit a bonnet to make Mother Earth more comfortable. While this would require an immense amount of yarn, I believe that we as a planet can "go green" and find a solution- recycling comes first! Let's start by using that AIDS quilt for something productive.

Now then, for the answer to your question, may I suggest that Mother Earth is much like a hatching egg. As the chick sees the light of day and begins to crack through the eggshell, so has mankind seen the light of industrialism, allowing us to do away with such useless things as plants and national parks (Damn that socialist Roosevelt! Yellowsto ne's land could be used for at least 50 shirtwaist mills!)

Now that I've answered your question Kelley, might I ask you a question: Why are you out of the kitchen? And where is my dinner? I leave you these to ponder as I enter my mighty zeppelin, The Spruce Goose and go off to take over a new colony in Near East.

Bolly! Those Hashimites are quite the strong laborers!

Saturday, June 27, 2009

A Question of the Romantic Persuasion

I cannot help but agree with Cornelius on the previous question: divinity is found and found alone within the sacred tenets of a free market. Carnegie be praised! Our next question comes from Raviisher, a teenage girl who proclaims her "individuality and independence," quite the plucky trait considering the unyielding glass ceiling she most assuredly will face should she fail in her womanly duties of attaching herself to a wealthy man for the sake of procreation, and thus be forced to join the poorer masses in the occupations of manual labor. She asks: "What makes a woman truly beautiful?"

Now, I feel that I am excellently qualified to field this question, as I have been known to gallivant with quite a few fillies in my day. While those days are for the most part over now, having found myself both a caring wife and a capable mistress, I believe that I can quickly illustrate the perfect woman. A woman's "true beauty" comes not only from her looks, but from her personality and demeanor. To be adequate, she must possess a straight posture, a strong notion of deference to her male, and a quiet disposition. As I have often noted, the key to an excellent relationship is a healthy dose of silence. Personally, I require at least four hours of uninterrupted reflection with my newspaper, pipe and brandy. As a married man, though, I have adjusted my habits to include the lady in my activities more, allowing her to watch the fire from the opposite chair as I read. Physically, she would require child-rearing hips, a healthy bosom, and the most chalky of complexions. My, I can feel myself becoming blushed just thinking of a beauty I saw the other day, her skin kissed only by the faintest of candlelight as she sat knitting for all the day's hours.

I hope that this tips were of help, young Raviisher, and wish you well in your pursuits of maternal glory.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Ah! Good show there Reginald! Good show! But sadly, I must "Trump" you again (Bolly!). I turn towards the Jesus for my second answer...


If A God exists, what if he is evil?

I pray and I pray for this girl to like me, but she dusnt what if god is evil then and wants to see me suffer!


Blank, my friend. The answer lies within the question. What God is there really? Are we just out here alone in the world? Is there nothing else to life than life itself? Is God dead?


God is an angry and vengeful god- who punishes the weak and frail for their foolishness, and destroyers the sinners in righteous fashion! However, in this righteous scenario, the real God is not a man, or a woman, or even a small chimpanzee named Bobo. No, my friend, God is the rule of Capitalism, flanked at either end with the holy trinity of Materialism and Imperial domination over the lesser peoples. May Rockefeller and Astor live on as the mightiest of disciples- and may that traitor Morgan be remembered as a Judas... giving to poor is akin to treason. Hail the almighty dollar!

A Witty Response

Well, Cornelius, you have led with quite the opening salvo in our battle of wits, but I do believe that I shall clearly be proven the victor. My question comes from a Mr. Trump, a prominent industrialist and all-around victorious man.

What lessons can we learn from successful entrepreneurs?: "Even though I'm a successful entrepreneur, I know I always have more to learn. Continuing to get ideas from new people and learn helps me stay successful. What lessons about entrepreneurship can you share?"
--Donald Trump

While my answer may seem quite obvious to most other prominent gentleman, I do believe it needs to be said otherwise. All of one's goals in life are best served by applying the immutable principles of business to them, whether the goals be financial, romantic or even religious. Therefore, in order to be universally successful, a few tenets must be applied to all facets of life.

1. Hierarchy is the key to success. Have you heard of a Fortune 500 company with a group of CEOs? What great inventions have been marketed through a collective? Just as control must ultimately rest in the hands of one man in industry, so it must be in all facets of your life. To illustrate how I use this principle in my personal life, let me explain how disputes are solved within my family unit: in my home, my word is law. To communicate this to my subordinates, instead of being referred to as "Father," "Dad" or (God forbid) my Christian name, I demand that my wife and children call me "Chairman." If this title is not used, the offender is subsequently ignored for the remainder of the day. In addition, all decisions made within the family are ultimately left to my control. Howver, just as in business, some input is necessary, as no individual decisionmaker has all the relevant information. To this end, I have installed a suggestion box, where all family members are allowed to submit a comment of up to fifty words on a subject they believe I should address.

2. Self-interest is the only interest. How does one better themselves by thinking of others? While many bleeding-hearts have promoted the idea of a "general welfare" or a "concern for others," this serves only to distract the successful man from bettering himself. The finest businesses have always had a single-minded focus on the profit margin; while "liberals" were always concerned with matters such as "worker's rights" and child safety, the healthy industrialist always kept his eye on his primary target, and was the better for it. Similarly, the best individuals are consistently "looking out for number one."

3. Expansion, expansion, expansion. Just as a thriving business is a growing business, a thriving man is a growing man. Clearly, this is not meant literally. However, one is hard-pressed to say that a man with a smaller house is happier than one with a mansion, one with a Miata is happier than one with a Hummer, and one with two sons working in his bobbin factory is happier than one with a human menagerie minding his textiles. The clear solution, then, is a matter of the most basic mathematics: happiness is correlated directly with one's possessions, be they real estate, liquid assets, or one's family members. In order to be a happy, healthy individual, then, one must be constantly pursuing new possessions and expanding one's "personal empire."

While this list is not comprehensive, it does contain the three principles that I use to organize my life. I hope this could be of some help, Donald, and wish that you could have only a fraction of the personal success that I have.

The Daily Douchebagg Mailbag!

Reginald and I are currently in a battle of wits. As such- we will be competing to determine who is the more knowledgeable! The game? Answers to the yahoos of the masses! Now, bolly! Let's begin:


What is pseudo-feminism?

Pseudo means fake, or false. So the term translates into fake-feminism? I apologize for being a noob at this, but I need to understand it in order to complete my thesis. Thanks


Ms. Clay, I'm in quite the generous mood today, so as a public favor, allow me to write your thesis for you:

A Thesis by Cornelius

In the days of yore, impassioned women came up with the idea of feminism, which at its core, based itself on the simple principle that one's sex should not define how they are treated. Unfortunately, this did not sit well with many men and women, for two very good reasons. For the former, it meant less attention paid towards dinner. The latter group hated it because it was simply too much work. So, they created pseudo-feminism so that they could still be uppity and angry about "the situation", but did not have to do any work towards fixing it. As a result, Women everywhere are allowed to complain about unfair treatment and recieve the upper hand against a particular selection of men: we refer to this as the "whipped contingent." Luckily for us men, they still don't have the vote.

Ha! Try to beat that Reginald!