Sunday, June 28, 2009

Hark! Another Query!

My word, good Cornelius; it appears our work shall never be done! Our mailpouch is teeming with the queries of the common man, just as any worthwhile steel mill is teeming with the mangled, wretched bodies of the Irish. But while the skilled industrialist is ever saddled with the weakness of the shiftless Papists, we have the ability to address these entries one by one, in the ultimate goal of imparting our superior knowledge to the poor questioners who have made the pitiable choice to be impoverished and stupid. To this end, I shall field another question, this one coming from Pebble: "What works best for dark circles under the eyes?"

My renoun as an expert in the fields of health and the handsomely sciences clearly precedes me, and I am positively delighted at the prospect of being able to use this expertise to debunk commonly-held myths about the human body. There are many who believe that the appearance of dark rings beneath one's eyes is a physiological effect of exhaustion, most notably physical exhaustion, such as that caused by several long days in a strenuous working environment. These individuals are the same who believe that physical exhaustion is responsible for illness, anxiety, hypertension, and extensive strain on the heart. However, as any well-educated industrialist knows, the only effects of a hard day's work are a sufficient paycheck, a good night's sleep, and the satisfaction of contributing to the efficiency of the American economic super-engine.

The notion of work-related illness is but another myth promoted by the so-called "worker's rights" movement, a group of anarchists, socialists, Euro-fascists and secessionist sympathizers hell-bent on destroying the prosperity necessary to our humble hegemon's success. These individuals have similarly promoted the inane ideas that children should be denied the educational opportunities that can only be afforded one on the assembly line, that the work week should be limited to a paltry sixty hours, and that workers wish to unionize in order to be able to effectively strike. As if workers wish to cease working - they should hardly then be termed "workers" at all! But such is the Communist nonsense being fed to the worker today by anti-American liberals such as the "Great Traitor of Ohio," William McKinley.

Instead, what causes the appearance of these dark circles is the psychological distress caused by one's preoccupation with an undue rise through the economic caste system that makes this nation great. When one is obsessed with becoming the wealthy man he was simply never fated to be, his mind becomes wrought with fatigue, and this begins to show in his face. The first signal of this is the aforementioned discoloration beneath one's eyes. Other symptoms include a furrowed brow, crow's feet, an ingrown moustache and the typhus. So, to answer your question, how best do we prevent against the appearance of these rings? The answer is both simple and clear. Each individual has his own place within American society; some are to be rich, the rest to be poor. Once one accepts one's fate both wholly and unconditionally, his mind shall be at ease, and his face free of those unseemly rings.

I appreciate your curiosity, Pebble, and I wish that this information is communicated to your father, your husband, or whichever gentleman caller is presently paying for your and your brood's sustenance.

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